wfn.org | Born-again Christians Divorce at Same Rate

[PCUSA.NEWS@pcusa.org]

20-March-1997 
97129 
 
           Born-again Christians Divorce at Same Rate  
               as Others but for Different Reasons 
 
                        by Pamela H. Long 
                      Religion News Service 
 
WASHINGTON--Although traditional Christian teaching rejects divorce and 
stresses marital fidelity and family values are central to the religious 
conservatives' moral agenda, recent data show divorce strikes born-again 
Christians at about the same rate as those who don't profess a born-again 
experience. 
 
     The Barna Research Group, a California-based polling and marketing 
organization that specializes in religion, even found that those who 
characterize themselves as "fundamentalist" had a slightly higher divorce 
rate than the general public. 
 
     But other research shows that the way Christians deal with divorce -- 
the reasons they separate and how they handle the pain -- might be 
different from [the way] the general population [deals with it]. 
 
     Tom Whiteman, a Philadelphia psychologist and counselor, was disturbed 
by the data showing that Christians were no more immune to divorce than the 
general population, so 10 years ago he founded Fresh Start, a divorce 
recovery ministry. 
 
     Whiteman's doctoral research concurred with Barna's -- devout 
Christians divorce at about the same rate as others.  But, he found, they 
did so for different reasons. 
 
     He found that the number one reason cited in divorce proceedings for 
the general population was incompatibility, but Christians rarely use that 
as grounds for a divorce. 
 
     "In the Christian population, the reasons are adultery, abuse 
(including substance, physical and verbal abuse) and abandonment," Whiteman 
said. 
 
     And Christians tend to hang on to bad marriages longer than others, he 
said.  "The good news is we are staying together longer and taking marriage 
seriously, but the bad news is we're putting up with a lot more pain and 
ending up getting divorced anyway." 
 
     Whiteman believes that Christians who stay in troubled marriages may 
sometimes be seeking revenge on their mates: "I have heard both men and 
women say,  I'm going to be the instrument of pain in that person's life.'" 
 
     Other unhappy spouses hang on to the hope that their faithfulness in 
the marriage might actually lead to a change in their mates' hearts, but 
that hope is not always rewarded, Whiteman said.  "God never promises that 
he will bring your spouse back.  He just promises that whatever happens, 
he'll be there." 
 
     The religious spouse may even find his or her faith to be a 
contributing factor in the breakup. 
 
     Whiteman said cases in which one spouse's religious conversion becomes 
a "bone of contention" happen occasionally, but the partners hardly ever 
admit that is the cause.  "Usually the unbelieving spouse talks more in 
terms of jealousy --  You care more about that church than you do me.'" 
 
     It's usually the wife who becomes religious, Whiteman said, and her 
increased activity outside the home creates an off-limits topic of 
discussion -- what he calls an "unsafe area."  "You get enough unsafe areas 
in the marriage and you've got trouble," Whiteman said. 
 
     Once the marriage is irretrievably broken, he said, Christians feel 
not only the anguish of rejection by their spouse, but a collapse of their 
belief system, compounded by overwhelming guilt. "Your whole anchor comes 
undone.  You think there's nothing left to believe in." 
 
     Steve Grissom, president of Divorce Care, a Wake Forest, N.C.-based 
divorce recovery program used in churches, agrees.  "Christians have inside 
of them a spiritual presence in the form of the Holy Spirit guiding them in 
right and wrong.  When they don't follow that leading by God, there is a 
stronger internal conflict than otherwise." 
 
     Catholics have the added burden of worrying about the process of 
annulment if they expect to marry again in the church.  And although 
divorced Catholics can receive Holy Communion -- unless they remarry 
without an annulment -- they must wrestle with guilt for going against the 
church's strong teachings on the indissolubility of marriage, according to 
Beth Butler, a religious who works at the Catholic Social Services' 
counseling center in Mobile, Ala. 
 
     Whether Catholic or Protestant, divorce leaves a Christian in a 
vulnerable spiritual state. Whiteman, who suffered a divorce 15 years ago, 
said he was susceptible to anything -- including cult involvement -- that 
might have offered him affection or hope. 
 
     When he looked to the church for help, Whiteman said, there were no 
help groups and no ministries devoted to victims of divorce.  Now, he said, 
there are numerous programs that churches employ to help heal the wounds of 
divorce, while still stressing the importance of marriage and preaching 
family values. 
 
     But, Whiteman said, the moral stigma attached to divorce has caused 
many churches to drag their feet in setting up ministries for divorced 
members.  "I tell them I don't condone child abuse either, but if there's 
someone hurting from that, I want to provide help for them." 
 
     Johnny Burleson, one of the counselors at Divorce Care headquarters, 
said churches have to be careful to nurture the divorced Christian while 
condemning the practice of divorce.  His ministry's weekly programs don't 
take a victimization approach: "It's not a support group.  It's a recovery 
and healing ministry," he said. 
 
     Fresh Start's Whiteman said churches need to serve those wounded by 
divorce with the same compassion they have for the sick and the poor.  "I 
think the church should be there to offer healing. The alternatives -- 
singles' bars and looking for love in promiscuous sex -- are much, much 
worse." 

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