wfn.org | Parents urged to let children ask, be measured in response

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Note #6837 from PCUSA NEWS to PRESBYNEWS:

13-September-2001
01320

Parents urged to let children ask, be measured in response

Direct answers, reassurance are the best medicine

by Beverly Bartlett
The Courier-Journal
Used with permission

LOUISVILLE - Human death in untold numbers. Staggering devastation. The
Pentagon - a powerful symbol of military might - was targeted.

	And closer to home, malls closed. Cheerleading practice was canceled. And,
maybe, Mom cursed at the television or Dad got misty-eyed.

	Children are watching all this, of course. And as a nation grapples with
how to come to terms with yesterday's events, parents must try to find the
words to explain the inexplicable to their children.

	How do you do that?

	"I wish I knew," said Gladys Hildreth, who heads the family-studies
department at the University of Kentucky and has adult children. "It's so
horrible ... . I don't know if we have the language to explain to children
what is going on now."

	But after the initial shock, experts like Hildreth returned to the standard
advice in such situations: Allow your children to ask questions. Remind them
that their own family is safe. When the television is on, watch it together.
And at some point, turn the television off. Keep your routine - an
after-dinner walk, a bedtime story - as regular as possible, except hug each
other more often and give your children a bit more attention and
encouragement.

	"This might be the night that you let your kids come into your room and
sleep," said Terry Singer, dean of the Kent School of Social Work at the
University of Louisville.

	Jan Reid, director of the crisis center at Seven Counties Services, said
the issue is hard for parents because so much depends on the child and the
child's age and previous experiences. "There are no hard and fast rules
about raising kids," she said.

	And much of it depends on parents paying attention and exercising common
sense.

	But she said it's OK to let children know that it's a scary time and that
its hard to wait for justice - while assuring them the government will seek
to find the people responsible.

	Reid said parents should be leery of making promises they can't keep about
the family always being safe, but remind children that they're safe now,
that the parents are there to protect them and to say, "I can't imagine that
it would happen here."

	"I'd concentrate on the response," said Donna Russow, a licensed social
worker with the Family and Children's Counseling Centers, explaining that
parents can talk about the rescue workers who are trying to help and the
government's effort to track down the perpetrators.

	With Pearl Harbor comparisons in the air, parents of older, draft-age sons
may also hear questions about a possible war, but Singer said they should be
able to address those honestly - saying that many experts believe a draft is
highly unlikely because of the changing nature of war that relies more on
technical know-how and less on raw manpower.

	Linda Miller, who is in charge of Jefferson County Public Schools
counselors, said elementary schools, in particular, were asked to keep the
school day as normal as possible Tuesday. A regular monthly meeting of
elementary counselors was suspended so the counselors could be on hand at
the schools, she said.

	By the end of the day, the school district posted - next to an image of a
waving American flag - a list of tips for parents, including a reminder to
stay calm while discussing the events with children. Those tips were also
made available on the school district's web site.

	If you tear up while watching television, that's OK, Miller said. Children
need to see parents express emotion in healthy ways.

	But Singer urged against allowing your children to see you become consumed
with anger. And Miller said that while a spontaneous emotional display is
OK, you should avoid expressing "a lot of strong emotion."

	Experts suggest first gauging how much your child knows about what has
happened and how accurate their information is.

	For young children, you should usually only answer questions that they ask.
If they watch video of the World Trade Center collapse and ask if people
died, you need only say yes.

	On the other hand, don't make your answers so curt that children feel as if
they shouldn't be asking about the issues.

	Two things should happen over time, the experts say.

	First, schools, families and the community in general will find more and
more ways to come together and deal with the tragedy - writing letters to
surviving victims, planting memorial trees, making financial donations to
established funds.

	Second, the symptoms of anxiety in children should gradually decrease. Some
children will be clingy or unable to eat or sleep.

	If that continues over time, talk to your pediatrician, school counselor or
another professional.

(Beverly Bartlett is a member of Crescent Hill Presbyterian Church in
Louisville.)
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