wfn.org | Ministry presents benefits, challenges, for clergy couples

["NewsDesk" <NewsDesk@UMCOM.ORG>]

March 30, 2004 News media contact: Linda Green 7 (615)742-5470 7 Nashville,
Tenn. 7 E-mail: newsdesk@umcom.org 7 ALL-WI{140}

NOTE: Photographs and a sidebar, UMNS story #141, are available at
http://umns.umc.org.

By Reed Criswell and Elisabeth Stagg*

DURHAM, N.C. (UMNS) - An inevitable outgrowth of women's ordination, clergy
marriages bring both distinctive rewards and challenges. 

Placements, whether in the same or separate churches, can be tricky and child
care is often complicated. But these unions also make for extraordinary,
enriching ministries, both for clergy couples and the parishioners they
serve. 

When Carol and David Goehring were married on Aug. 28, 1976 - exactly a year
after meeting at Duke Divinity School's orientation - the forecast for clergy
couples was bleak. As it turned out, after the couple graduated in 1978,
their bishop in the United Methodist Church's North Carolina Annual
(regional) Conference was supportive, but there was concern that clergy
couples would be a burden for churches.

Nearly 25 years later, the Goehrings are co-pastors of Jarvis Memorial United
Methodist Church in Greenville, N.C. Their ministry flows with an ease that
belies many years of compromises and challenges as a clergy couple. They are
vocal advocates of the benefits for all involved.

"We do not see the clergy couple as more limited in ministry," David says.
"Rather, we see almost endless possibilities for service." 

While co-leadership gives them more time together than serving separate
churches, the Goehrings rarely work side by side. By 10 a.m. on Sundays, they
have led an early worship service and parted ways. While Carol rehearses with
the hand-bell choir in the sanctuary, David is teaching the  "Living the
Adventure" Sunday school class in the education building. Carol opens the 11
a.m. worship in the sanctuary, but it is her turn to lead a simultaneous
contemporary service in the nearby gymnasium. Somewhere between the
announcements and the welcome of new members, she slips out, sheds her robe
for a jacket and hurries to join worshippers in the gym.

"People are always surprised that David and I aren't with each other all the
time since we 'work together,'" Carol says. "But we feel we each need to be
in different places, doing what needs to be done."  

After worship, the Goehrings meet in their offices with daughters Kendra, 22,
and Lindsey, 18, for a discussion without theological implications: where to
have lunch.

Co-leading the 2,100-member Jarvis congregation is a logistical dream
compared to serving separate churches. David was once "a circuit rider" in
his Pinto, traveling among three small churches near Winfall, N.C., while
Carol served a four-point charge 22 miles away. For Carol to drive home
before evening meetings wasn't feasible, so David became the primary
caregiver for Kendra. That wasn't a bad thing, the couple agrees, but finding
good child care was often a headache.

Family matters

The Revs. Mark and Annette Flynn can relate. Their lives as a clergy couple
changed dramatically when they began a family.

The low point for Annette was moving to a new appointment when their younger
child was 6 weeks old. "I had two small children and no support system, while
Mark was expending his energy in the first year of a new appointment," she
says. Annette took leaves after the birth of each child, and then chose
part-time ministry. "Mark has always had a wife," she says. "I did not."

Annette eventually decided to leave pastoral ministry. She is about to
complete her master's degree from Pepperdine University in leadership and
organizational development and is starting her own consulting firm, Flynn
Consulting Group. Mark is the senior pastor at Kern Memorial United Methodist
Church in Oak Ridge, Tenn.

While the church generally supported them as a clergy couple, Annette finds
fault with the broader culture's response to women clergy. 

"I believe the social structure of our society and the expectations of the
role of the clergy undermine female clergy - whether or not they are part of
a clergy couple," she says.  

Although the ordination of women in the United States dates to 1853, when the
Congregational Church ordained Antoinette Brown, the pastor's role still
seems off-limits to some women. Recent research by Pulpit & Pew, a
Lilly-funded research project on pastoral excellence based at Duke Divinity
School, indicates that resistance to women clergy is not imaginary: the
typical lay search committee's ideal candidate is a throwback to an earlier
era - a young married man with a decade of experience, a stay-at-home wife,
and children. 

Never a temptation

For the Revs. Barry and Sandra L. Steiner Ball of Milford, Del., a joint
appointment has never been a temptation.  

"We take highly different approaches," says Sandra Steiner Ball,
superintendent for the Dover (Del.) District of the Peninsula-Delaware Annual
Conference. "I believe it would be difficult for us to share an appointment
and to maintain a healthy marriage." 

As a clergy couple, the Balls "trusted that God would work through the
appointment system," Sandra says. "However, we also knew that in a smaller
conference like Peninsula-Delaware, even if we were appointed to opposite
ends of the conference, one or both of us would still be able to commute."

In their first appointment as a clergy couple, Sandra did the commuting.
"Sometimes the commute one way was 30 minutes," she remembers. "At other
times, it was three hours, depending on bridge openings and beach traffic.
Today, Barry is the one who commutes."

Barry, whom she met at Duke Divinity School, is a chaplain with the Maryland
State Department of Natural Resources. In addition to crisis intervention, he
serves on the drug task force and heads up Hot Spots, a program for troubled
youth and their families on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. Also a captain
with the Air Force Reserves, he is on standby status at the national mortuary
at Dover Air Base. 

The Balls' two daughters, 14 and 10, became part of their parents' ministry
from the start. Sometimes Sandra was able to take the children with her. At
other times, the couple met midway through the day to pass off the baby. "I
was also blessed with a number of adopted grandparents who would watch my
children when it was not appropriate for them to be present," Sandra says.

During part of their careers, the Balls served church appointments that were
less than 30 minutes apart. This gave them the opportunity to share a number
of community ministries. But serving different churches, they acknowledge,
can "suck up all your time if you are not intentional about setting time
apart."

Living in the moment

Joey and Connie Shelton had been married for seven years and were involved in
careers when they were called to ministry. Joey was an attorney and Connie
worked with the "United Methodist Hour," the radio and TV ministry of the
Mississippi Annual Conference, when they decided to move and attend Duke
Divinity School.

"It was a relief when we realized that we both felt called to seminary,"
Connie says. "We knew divinity school was the first step."

Both ordained elders, Joey now serves as pastor of Court Street United
Methodist Church in Hattiesburg, Miss. Connie is the executive
director/preacher of the "United Methodist Hour."

"My clergy spouse always understands whatever I am going through," Connie
says. "At the same time, the emotional demands - from ministry with the dying
to ministry with failing relationships - can cause an emotional drain on the
family. Creating healthy boundaries with ministry demands is an ongoing
challenge."

They strive to be present wherever they are, Connie says, whether with family
or in ministry.  "When we have opportunities to combine the two, we
gratefully live in the moment."
# # #
*This story was adapted from an article that originally appeared in Winter
2004 Divinity, the alumni magazine of Duke Divinity School. Criswell is the
school's publication coordinator. Stagg is the magazine editor and the
school's associate director of communications. 

 
 

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United Methodist News Service
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