wfn.org | UMNS# 04582-It's Never Too Late to Save a Marriage

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It's Never Too Late to Save a Marriage 

Dec. 9, 2004	 News media contact:   Matt  Carlisle * (615) 742-5470* 
Nashville {04582}

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A UMC.org feature
By Susan Passi-Klaus*

Charlotte** just wanted out. After more than 20 years of marriage, her
husband, Bob**, had confessed to having a two-year affair with a co-worker.

"I was devastated. I felt totally victimized," the 56-year-old says. "I just
wanted out. I knew it was going to be too hard ... it was going to take too
much to try to piece our marriage back together again."

Instead, she stayed.

"It wasn't easy," the mother of two says. "I constantly questioned myself.
Would this be an everlasting scar? Would I ever be able to forgive? Would I
ever be able to trust Bob again?"

Charlotte feared if she did not work out the problems in her marriage, she
would simply end up in another unhealthy relationship "without ever dealing
with my own issues."

But forgiveness did not come overnight, and she knows forgetting is
unrealistic.

"I felt like, if I forgave, then I condoned," she says. "But my pastor helped
me understand that forgiving is not condoning. And forgiving isn't a one time
only thing. You may have to wake up every day of your life and forgive
again."

As for Bob, the near failure of his marriage was a "slap in the face." 

"I loved Charlotte. I loved our family. I didn't want to lose her or the
kids. I didn't want to lose us. I didn't want to see her walk out the door
going in one direction while I went in another."

Almost 15 years later, Charlotte and Bob can honestly describe themselves as
"happily married."

"Early on, I posted the word 'commitment' on the refrigerator door," Bob
says. "There were so many times when we were struggling to put our marriage
back together that we just had to focus on that one word. It reminded us that
no matter what - we wanted to get through it. We wanted to stay together."

With at least one divorce for every two marriages in the United States, Bob
and Charlotte clearly chose the road less traveled. Richard Albertson, the
head of Marriage Savers in Florida, and others involved with marriage
ministries at Tallahassee's Killearn United Methodist Church hope to inspire
other at-risk couples to travel the same path.

"In marriage," says Albertson, a member at Killearn who was instrumental in
getting the marriage ministries started there, "there's him and her and us.
'Us' is more important than him or her. We get into trouble when we focus on
"me." So when a couple can find the 'us' in every conflict, in every problem,
in every situation, then we know the marriage will be saved."

Under Albertson's direction, Killearn United Methodist and 69 other
Tallahassee churches signed the Community Marriage Policy in January 1999.
The document includes a step-by-step plan clergy and churches can follow to
provide rigorous marriage preparation, ongoing marriage enrichment, and
guidance and support for couples in crisis. Marriage Savers, a nationwide
marriage education and mentoring program, has helped organize community
marriage policies in 183 cities in 40 states.

Key to Killearn's success in reducing the divorce rate within the church are
mentor couples. Bob and Charlotte are one of 12 husband-and-wife teams
Killearn has paired with couples who are struggling with marriage-threatening
issues like infidelity, addiction to alcohol, gambling, pornography, or work
or financial failures.

"The greatest gift we can give a couple in crisis is hope from other people
who can say, 'I've been right where you're at,'" says the Rev. Bob Tindale,
Killearn's pastor of 19 years.

The 3,000-member congregation has provided training for "back-from-the-brink"
couples who have gone on to help rescue and restore other marriages. Out of
30 troubled couples who sought help in Killearn's Marriage Savers ministry,
none have divorced. And in 2002, Killearn United Methodist was one of just 10
churches nationwide to receive a "Marriage Savers Congregational Award" for
its success in reducing the divorce rate not only within the church, but in
the city of Tallahassee.

"When we were working through our problems, Killearn didn't have Marriage
Savers," Bob says. "But several years after our crisis, Pastor Tindale called
and asked us if we were willing to get some training and then become part of
a core group of mentor couples."

"I felt like the Lord put this on me as a responsibility - even though it
makes me very uncomfortable at times to rehash everything," Bob says. "But if
I can help another couple, or another man, and guide them in a direction that
will cause them less pain than we experienced, then this is the work I need
to do."

Charlotte agrees.

"I think when couples hear our story and know how difficult it had to be for
us to stay together, it gives them hope that the Lord can bring them through
it, too," she says.

Tindale describes Killearn as a "healing church" where members speak openly
about healing from sin, healing through recovery from addictions or healing
within families.

"It then becomes okay to admit our own brokenness," Tindale says. "And when
we can admit our brokenness, we take a huge step towards healing not only
ourselves, but others too."

**At the request of the couple, fictional names were used in this article to
protect their privacy.

*Susan Passi-Klaus is a freelance writer living in Nashville, Tenn. and of
publisher "Cracked Pots," an inspirational newsletter for women.

News media contact: Matt Carlisle, Nashville, Tenn., (615) 742-5153 or
newsdesk@umcom.org.

This feature was developed by UMC.org, the official online ministry of The
United Methodist Church.

********************

United Methodist News Service
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