wfn.org | UMNS# 05121-Parents who want good kids must set example

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Parents who want good kids must set example

Feb. 28, 2005	 News media contact:   Matt  Carlisle * (615) 742-5470*
Nashville {05121}

A UMC.org Feature
By Vicki Brown*

One reason 16-year-old Aaron Holland volunteers at Canyon Lake United
Methodist Church's child care center is to set a good example for his
younger brother-the kind of example his own parents set for them both.

The teen from Rapid City, S.D., says his dad is honest to a fault, and
Aaron chuckles over his mom's story of the fast-food restaurant worker
giving Jim Holland too much change at the drive-in window one day. His
dad returned the extra money.

"He's just a great example of what to do," the 16-year-old says. "If you
know something is wrong, then you should just do what's right and fix
the problems."

Setting an example is crucial for parents who want to raise good, moral
children of character in a society that often sends mixed messages about
success, cheating and honesty, says Michele Borba, author of Building
Moral Intelligence and Parents Do Make a Difference.

"Be very clear what you stand for. Don't be wishy-washy," Borba says.

If parents say they value honesty but then go to the movies and get a
12-year-old in for the child's price, they are modeling a different
behavior, she says.

"The best way to teach character and solid moral growth is not by
talking it, but by walking it," she says. She urges parents to ask
themselves: "If my child had only my behavior to learn from today, what
did they learn?"

Borba believes that as a society, Americans are putting youth under too
much pressure to succeed at school, on tests, in college, while losing
sight of the importance of caring, kindness, empathy and other virtues.

"I do not see bumper stickers that say, 'Proud Parent of Decent Kids,'"
she says.

Aaron's mom, Deb Holland, agrees. Holland, who grew up in a family of
nine, recalls that her mother was always the first person at the door
with a casserole when someone in the community was sick or died.

She's trying to set a similar example for Aaron and his younger brother,
14-year-old Matthew.

"I can't always give at the top, but if the church needs someone to help
with crafts or bake a cake, I can do that," says Holland, a member of
Canyon Lake.

Holland and Borba agree that church, especially youth activities, can be
crucial to building character.

"We have really made it a priority that our kids participate in both
church and youth groups," Holland says.

Marcey Balcomb, a lay youth leader at Common Cup Ministries, works with
youth from five United Methodist churches in Portland, Ore.-Laurelwood,
Lincoln Street, Sunnyside-Centenary, Tabor Heights and Trinity.

"Kids really long for meaning in their lives. Once they find things that
make it meaningful, those are the choices they make," Balcomb says.
Volunteer and mission work mean a great deal to youth, she says. She
adds that she spends a lot of time at youth group meetings on how to
make good choices.

Borba cautions parents that even if their message is clear about
character issues, they need to understand that children and teens get
hit with mixed messages from society. For instance, the government's "No
Child Left Behind" effort is emphasizing test scores but not character,
she says.

She urges parents not to go it alone.

"Get a support group-your friends, your church, any group of parents
willing to stand for what is right," she says.

Parents who are overwhelmed with the pressure for their kids to get top
grades and achievement test scores might be surprised to learn that
colleges are looking for students of a different stripe.

"They are looking for kids who have a passion for life, for a child who
had a real strong interest and passion," Borba says. Colleges are
looking not for a teen who has gone from one volunteer effort to another
to build a resume, but for someone who has stuck with something he or
she loves, something that can make a difference.

Deb Holland urges parents to start early. When her children were small,
she took them to a local mission at Christmas to give away their
outgrown snowsuits. "I wanted them to know that Christmas was not all
about big packages," she says.

She and her boys also run the duck pond game at the annual church
Halloween carnival, and they helped with a church fund raiser for the
Heifer Project. She jokes that she "guilts" her boys into doing good.

Her son thinks it's working.

"Every once in a while, they try to pull the guilt card on me," he says
with a laugh. "Otherwise, they set a great example in being honest and
doing the right thing."

# # #

*Brown is a freelance writer in Nashville, Tenn.

News media contact: Matt Carlisle, Nashville, Tenn., (615) 742-5153 or
newsdesk@umcom.org.

This feature was developed by UMC.org, the official online ministry of
The United Methodist Church.

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United Methodist News Service
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