wfn.org | UMNS# 04509-At family holiday celebrations, some mourn those

["NewsDesk" <NewsDesk@UMCOM.ORG>]

At family holiday celebrations, some mourn those absent 

Oct. 29, 2004	 News media contact:   Matt  Carlisle * (615) 742-5470* 
Nashville {04509}

A UMC.org Feature
By Vicki Brown*

Virginia Bender remembers the first family photo she took after her daughter
committed suicide. It was during the winter holidays. "Someone was missing,"
she says.  

Bender, 72, a member of First United Methodist Church in Portland, Ore., has
since lost a son, and just this year she lost her second husband. So she is
preparing for another tough holiday season. She plans to attend classes at
her church for those grieving a loss, and she will cook Thanksgiving dinner
for her four surviving children and her second husband's four children.

After her daughter died in 1982, Bender remembers it was her pastor's wife
who offered the most comfort simply by spending time with her. 

"It's just helpful to go to church where people know you and will give you a
hug," says Bender, whose son was killed by a drunk driver in 1984. Her
husband died of natural causes. "This time, I know I'm facing a tough time
and that I need to prepare for it."

When families gather to celebrate the holidays, some mourn those who are not
present. Churches can help with the depression that overshadows the holidays
for so many, especially the elderly, who often can suffer a series of losses
all at once, such as a spouse, their health and their home if they move to a
nursing home.  

One way to help is to offer them a chance to serve others, says Karla
Woodward, program director of senior adult ministries at the United Methodist
Church of the Resurrection in Leawood, Kan. Last year, residents of five
nursing homes unwrapped boxes of ornaments for the church's Christmas tree.
Throughout the year, Woodward asks residents to help prepare material for
Sunday school. The need to serve only increases with age, she says.

"It may take one woman 45 minutes to cut a donkey head out of construction
paper, but it's worth it," she says. 

Especially for someone who has moved to a nursing home or who is homebound,
the church family needs to stay in touch, says the Rev. Rick Gentzler Jr.,
director of the Center on Aging and Older Adult Ministries of the United
Methodist Church.

"One of the things we did when I was a pastor was to have a banquet near
Christmas for all older adults, making sure that the homebound would have
transportation to get there," he says.

Simple human contact is what isolated people need most, Woodward says. 

"Our singles group wrote letters just to say, 'I just wanted you to know I'm
thinking of you and praying for you,'" Woodward says. She recalls reading one
of those letters to a woman in a nursing home. Turning to go, she heard the
woman crying. When she turned back, she realized the woman was saying, "Oh
Jesus, you didn't forget me."

Often the elderly move far away from their church communities when they move
to a nursing home. Many already live far from their families. 

"The sad national statistic is that half of all nursing home residents never
get a visitor," Woodward says. "The big need is for caring companionship -
someone sitting down with you, looking you in the eye and holding your hand
and offering undivided attention."

Some churches hold a Longest Night Service on Dec. 21, the longest night of
the year. The service is meant to offer peace to those struggling with loss,
illness, broken relationships or financial problems. The service features
candles lit in memory of lost loved ones and time for quiet reflection. 

St. Luke's United Methodist Church in Houston delivers poinsettias to those
who can't get to church, and it holds an afternoon service followed by a
reception for those who find it hard to get to regular church services, says
Laura Lee Slimp, who works in caring ministries at the church. Traffic is
slower at these services, and arrangements are made to get everyone to
church, including those in wheelchairs, she says. 

Gentzler says churches should extend help beyond the holiday season. 

"Holiday time is a good time to do things, but it would be helpful for
churches to think about it other times as well," he says. "After the holiday,
people may be wondering what they have to look forward to."

*Brown is a freelance writer in Nashville, Tenn.

News media contact: Matt Carlisle, Nashville, Tenn., (615) 742-5153 or
newsdesk@umcom.org.

********************

United Methodist News Service