wfn.org | UMNS# 05048-Fitting Forgiveness Into Hectic Lives Often a Struggle

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Fitting Forgiveness Into Hectic Lives Often a Struggle

Jan. 20, 2005	 News media contact:   Matt  Carlisle * (615) 742-5470*
Nashville {05048}

NOTE: Related articles and resources are online at http://www.umc.org.

A UMC.org feature
By Amy Green*

Pick up the kids from school at 3 p.m. Drop them at soccer practice at 6
p.m. Forgive spouse for fight over finances at 9 p.m.

All too often, we live our lives by mechanically running through to-do
lists as we juggle tough jobs and demanding family responsibilities. If
we work hard enough, we believe we can have it all. But when we slip up,
can we admit it? Are we able to forgive ourselves and others, whether
it's for a spat about money or something much more serious?

"You can't put forgiveness into your Palm Pilot as something you'll do
within a block of time," says the Rev. L. Gregory Jones, dean of the
United Methodist-affiliated Duke Divinity School in Durham, N.C., and
author of Embodying Forgiveness: A Theological Analysis.

Life in a deeply competitive society leaves little room for admitting
weakness or taking time - and forgiveness involves both. At the same
time, we have grown weary as we have lost jobs and sent family to war.
We are jaded by our political leaders, corporate executives, even
spiritual leaders. Is it any wonder that forgiveness has become that
often-overlooked quaint concept we suddenly yearn to understand?

Religious leaders increasingly find the topic turning up in pastoral
care. Dr. Bob Enright of the International Forgiveness Institute at the
University of Wisconsin-Madison estimates there were no more than 10
books on the topic 20 years ago when he began researching it. Now there
are more than 700, he says, and the number of studies on forgiveness has
ballooned.

"Some of the hardships that we have had to face, like 9-11, have gotten
people more sensitive and more open to the idea that forgiveness is a
healthy part of human interaction," says Enright, who teaches courses on
forgiveness and psychology. He is among the institute researchers who
study the topic by working with battered women, violent men and others
who are troubled and abused.

Many studies link forgiveness with mental and physical health. They show
that forgiveness, given or received, can alleviate depression and
anxiety and improve self-esteem. Enright participated in a study about
three years ago of cardiac patients at a Madison military hospital - a
study that found forgiveness can improve blood flow in the heart.
Enright and other experts in cardiology and forgiveness worked with
patients to help them let go of old anger and forgive. Three months
later, their circulation had improved.

Forgiveness does not come easily, and Jones worries that our society has
trivialized the concept. He notes the contrite but camera-ready Bill
Clinton who promoted his memoir last summer and former baseball player
Pete Rose's admission a year ago that he gambled on the game.

"Pete Rose thought last January that he could apologize and be done with
it in one press conference," Jones says.

We also tend to equate forgiving with being a doormat, says the Rev.
Anne Robertson of St. John's United Methodist Church in Dover, N.H.
Rather than confront old wrongs, we seek retribution in the courts, she
says. Working as a court mediator years ago while attending United
Methodist-related Candler School of Theology in Atlanta, she was struck
by the number of cases that were resolved - without the exchange of
money - after both parties sat down and listened to each other,
acknowledged the wrongs committed and forgave.

"My jaw would be on the floor," she says. "People would shake hands
across the table when they could have gotten tens of thousands of
dollars."

Others endure much more personal battles with anger and guilt that can
last years. When feelings are fresh, Jones advises pausing rather than
lashing out. Silence creates space, he says, and then a small gesture
can point to forgiveness. He recommends sharing a meal.

"You tend to have more time, and you tend to look each other in the
eye," he says.

We forget we can forgive someone without giving up the right to a fair
solution, Robertson says. We can forgive someone for wrecking our car
but demand the offender pay for the damage. Some withhold forgiveness
from themselves out of pride, acknowledging that while God might be able
to forgive them, they cannot forgive themselves, she says.

"So what, does that make you more righteous than God?" she asks.

She tells of a woman who came to her years ago ready to leave the church
because she felt she couldn't be a Christian if she couldn't forgive her
physically and emotionally abusive father, who had died. Robertson told
her the decision to forgive was hers.

"The irony was in having the freedom to be able to forgive or not
forgive, she was able to forgive," Robertson says. "The thing that kept
her stuck was that she was being forced to."

Forgiveness takes time. That, too often, is at odds with our hectic
lives.

# # #

*Green is a freelance journalist based in Nashville, Tenn.

News media contact: Matt Carlisle, Nashville, Tenn., (615) 742-5153 or
newsdesk@umcom.org.

This feature was developed by UMC.org, the official online ministry of
The United Methodist Church.

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United Methodist News Service
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