wfn.org | Christian single men face enormous obstacles finding a mate

["Taiwan Church News" <enews@pctpress.org>]

>      Taiwan Church News

>3037 Edition

>May 10~16, 2010

Christian single men face enormous obstacles finding a mate

>Reported by Sam Lee and Lin Yi-ying

>Written by Lydia Ma

Many PCT presbyteries have been playing cupid recently by hosting  events for 
singles in their

churches, including Tainan, Changhua, Taichung, Shou-Shan,  Kaohsiung, Seven 
Stars, and

>Taipei presbyteries.

These events usually draw more women than men. Though such a trend  is an 
indication of a

gender imbalance within churches, it also puts many Christian,  single men in 
every church in

>the limelight and under pressure.

In reality, single men outnumber single women in Taiwan and there  are more men 
than women

having trouble finding a spouse. According to Ministry of Interior  statistics 
on marital status in

2009, there were 517,827 single men between the ages of 30 and 34,  and 356,180 
single

>women in the same age bracket.

Though there are more men than women nationally, we see the  reverse trend 
within churches.

Despite this fact, Christian, single men within churches face  similar problems 
as other men in

>Taiwan when it comes to choosing a spouse.

In Taiwan Church News 3028 Edition, we studied challenges facing  single, 
Christian women

and discovered their top considerations when choosing a mate  included a man’s 
religious

background, financial status, income, etc. For more on this topic  refer to:

>http://enews.pctpress.org/3028/3028_4.htm

But what are the reasons single Christian men haven’t gotten  married? 
According to TCN’s

findings, single men in our pews struggle meeting many  expectations thrust 
upon them by

Christians, including social achievement, income, having good  interpersonal 
relationships with people at church, etc.

Furthermore, if they choose to date someone within their church,  they feel 
their every move

scrutinized through “concerned, well-meaning glances” of  their church elders 
or peers.

Sometimes, concern from church friends and “aunties” can  be helpful, but it 
can also stifle or

>hamper a courtship.

35-year-old “Shiao-Yuan” is a case in point. As the son  of an elder at his 
church, his father has

often been asked why Shiao-Yuan hasn’t gotten married yet.  Shiao-Yuan’s father 
is naturally

worried and sad for his son and feels his son has fallen short of  his 
expectations.

Shiao-Yuan’s father loves his son and had hoped Shiao-Yuan  would become an

accomplished young man – especially vocationally. He had hoped  his son would 
become a

doctor, or lawyer, or accountant, or perhaps get a job in public  service.

Though Shiao-Yuan has tried to meet these expectations, his  interests have 
prevented him

from succeeding in such careers, to his father’s chagrin. As  result, 
Shiao-Yuan has a rocky

>relationship with his family.

When it comes to courtship and marriage, Shiao-Yuan would like to  settle down 
someday, but

he is also afraid of getting hurt. He is worried marriage will add  more 
pressure to his already

pressure-packed life and worries that if he can’t handle  life’s pressures 
then, he will not only

hurt himself, but his future wife and children.

There are actually many single men between the ages of 30 and 45  who would 
easily identify

with Shiao-Yuan’s predicament. These men believe they’re  not ready for 
marriage or courtship

because they aren’t successful or wealthy enough.

Taiwanese society still views men as the main breadwinners of a  household. But 
in this day

and age, unemployment rates are through the roof and it’s not  easy to find a 
good, steady job.

If we add the high cost of purchasing a house, we would begin to  understand 
why men feel

supporting a family and getting married is a lot harder nowadays.

As for religion, both Christian men and women believe that  marrying people who 
share their

faith is important. But statistics reveal Christian men are  increasingly 
choosing non-Christian

women instead. The reason is because churches view marriage  between people 
with similar

social and economic backgrounds as being more important.

Hence, if Christian men had to choose between sharing the same  faith and 
sharing similar

goals, personal interests, and values, they would choose the  latter over the 
former. For them, it

is more important to marry a woman they can talk to and admire who  also 
admires them in

return, and such women don’t necessarily have to be Christian  women.

One expert gives his take, urges men to be open and real

According to Mackay Memorial Hospital Counseling Center Director  Wang Jung-yi, 
men

generally see themselves as being more rational than women and  often rely on 
themselves

instead of an invisible God to solve their problems.

In contrast, women tend to be more emotional and more responsive  when they 
experience

love and affection at church. That is the reason why they tend to  accept 
Christ more easily.

Wang also noted that more women than men are willing to seek  counseling.

Wang also noted that men usually come to church only when they are  at the end 
of their rope.

This might explain why there are fewer young men at church and why  many single 
women

perceive the pool of single men at church as filled with  unaccomplished and 
weak men. Some

women may even feel as though all good men have already been  taken.

“But I think men who realize their weaknesses and limitations  and come forward 
to seek help

are actually healthier,” said Wang. He underscored that  it’s worse when a man 
isn’t willing to

accept his weaknesses and let the church help, but instead uses  the church as 
a place to

show his “manhood” by bossing other people.

Wang suggested that men look into their own heart, admit their  vulnerability, 
let down their

guard, and deal with their old misperceptions. This is the only  way for them 
to grow spiritually

and have meaningful dialogue with women and possibly find a  suitable mate.

But if men insist on proving themselves through self-reliance, not  only will 
they be unable to

attract women’s attention, women might believe they were  right all along in 
saying men were

>spiritually immature.

At the same time, Wang believes it is paramount that churches have  a good 
system that

enables its members to care for one another. It is important that  churches are 
able to care for

the needs of Christian men and nurture their faith so that they  can become 
mature Christians.

“I strongly disagree using the verse “do not be yoked  together with 
unbelievers” as a means to

limit whom one may date!” said Wang. He pointed out that this  verse is an 
instruction on

business partnerships and shouldn’t be used as the only  criteria for dating 
relationships.

Wang added that mutual respect and understanding are the most  important 
factors in a dating

relationship. He also advised church youth to date people from  other churches 
so that they

wouldn’t feel pressured by church elders or well-meaning  church “aunties”, or 
feel as though

their relationships were under constant scrutiny. Such attention  only makes 
starting a

>relationship even harder.

As for people’s tendency to judge by appearances and amount  of wealth before 
they consider

dating someone, Wang admitted that first impressions and personal  biases are 
inevitable, but

time will tell a person’s true colors. He urged all single  women and men to 
believe and test this

>adage.

“Everyone wants to be understood and encouraged. As long as  Christian men are 
more

proactive in caring for others, affirming others and listening  patiently to 
others, they will

definitely be admired by single women,” said Wang.

He also offered a tip to those wanting to be eligible bachelors,  “No one is 
born knowing how to

attract others. Usually people go through a lot of trials in  everyday life 
before they learn to

accept themselves and other people in the process.”

>********************

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